Rap Sheets

The Founding Fathers:

Anthony grew a mustache once. It only took him 21 years

Anthony is currently employed for a digital advertising company but he likes to introduce himself as a young Don Draper, though this is quite far from the truth. He tackles ambitious plans, like steering a motorcycle into his fourth floor apartment (which you can read about here) and then never fixing it. Originally from upstate New York, he is either hiding out in Crooklyn from past criminal charges or racking up more. Look for him trolling Korea and Chinatown and read about all the dumb shit he finds on the internet while “working.”

Zach, a natural born woodsman

Zach is a former zipline instructor and longtime hip-hop enthusiast. A purveyor of fine wine when it comes in gallon size containers, Zach has strutted his impressive drinking habits in many far away lands. He’s captured a she-gator, though some might argue the opposite and she continues to this day to deny the existence of this “blog.” He currently answers phones at a major New York newspaper and aspires to succeed Stephen Colbert when he eventually retires. Look out for his weird obsession with calling music “boner jams.”

The Contributors:

A sculpture of Taylor erected in his hometown of Chagrin Falls, Ohio.

Taylor brings to the Gator team many qualities: a deep working knowledge of the New York City sex trade, the unofficial Elon University school record for “most times transported to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, only to be found in a nurse’s closet chugging rubbing alcohol,” and an almost debilitating case of xenophopatriotism.

For more information, please refer to his resume:

Simon protests the Danish police’s draconian measures to curtail his swagger.

Simon joins us from just outside Washington, D.C. He once barricaded himself in his dorm room for a month and emerged in a fully functioning Iron Man suit. We’re not really sure what he plans to write about, but his command of the English language is comparable to Oprah’s control over America’s housewives. It is absolute.

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