Category Archives: WTF?!

One Google Graphic You Probably Haven’t Seen

By Anthony

While I was frantically attempting to clear my Google history of all searches related to videos on PCP and meth, I stumbled upon this nifty little graphic. Thanks to the Google Overlords, they’ve graciously allowed me to embed it on Gator. I’d like to say Gator don’t play no shit, Gator jacked that shit ASAP, but then I’d be lying and you’d be seeing a 404 page soon, too. Anyway, it’s a representation of Google searches across the earth. Notice how pretty much no one uses Google in the mid-west, which might explain their affinity for Mormonism and Santorum, too. (No offense Mid-Westerners, there’s hope for you yet with the new burgeoning technological tools / weapons of mass destruction coming out soon. I’m talking about you, Google Goggles.) You can also see why Sarah Palin was allowed to exist for pretty much her whole life and why Canada is so weird.

http://data-arts.appspot.com/globe-search/embed

*You have to use Google Chrome (of course) for the data to show up correctly.

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The Most Important Thing You Need To Do Right Now

By Anthony

If you are like me, or like any number of pretty much ANYONE in the world, then you use Google to sometimes search stuff on the internet. You also, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, sometimes search things on Google that you wouldn’t want Grandma Gator to see.

Do yourself — and Grandma Gator — a favor. Go here: https://www.google.com/history

If you’ve been ignoring the messages from Google about their changing privacy polices, that’s okay. I understand. But you cant ignore what you’ll see if you log in to Google history. It’s startling.

Thankfully you can delete it and pause it. No one needs to know about your searches for WWII-era dictatorship hentai and rose garden pruning (the kind that may or may not involve a Republican candidate’s namesake.)

Ignoring your browsing history might be like leaving a grocery bag full of porn in a taxi cab when your name starts with a B and ends with an arack Obama. To make matters worse, the guy getting in the cab after you is Bill Keller (The guy runs a paper you might have heard of.) Editor’s note: No, he doesn’t.

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On the Subject of Santorum and the Primaries:

Santorum's aggressive election campaign uses alternative measures

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It had to be done

Just read the title and understand how impossibly stupid this election is going to be (and/or already is):

http://www.accessnorthga.com/detail.php?n=245894

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The Most Embarrassing Music In My iTunes

By Zach

My last post gave me the inspired idea to delve into my music library, see what embarrassing gems from 10th grade I might find, and then share them with everyone on here. Sort of a musical self-intervention, if you will. Here’s what transpired, in alphabetical order by artist.

It turns out I have not one but two songs by Ace of Base, “All That She Wants” and “The Sign.” And I’m very comfortable admitting that I’m listening to the former right now and nodding my head.

Let’s see…I have entirely too much Akon. I do have fond memories of listening to “I Wanna Fuck You” the first time I got really hammered drunk, in my senior year of high school (yeah, I know, late bloomer). I remember thinking it was the most ridiculous yet kinda tantalizing song ever. Akon’s not really that embarrassing, though.

Bon Jovi is, though, and I have 11 songs of his. “You Give Love a Bad Name” is arguably my favorite song of all time. Also, the video for “Always” has to go down as the most unintentionally funny music video ever:

Isn’t that glorious? I have tears cascading down my face every time I watch it (Uhh, I mean, the first and only time I watched it) and I’m never positive if they’re from laughter or from the memories of my every heartbreak.

Back to the music. I also have a hilarious song by Eminem’s old rap group D12 titled “40 Oz,” in which the chorus consists of several rappers screaming “POUR YOUR FORTY OUT…GUZZLE IT”…And speaking of rap, I still have a couple Dem Franchize Boyz songs, “Lean Wit it Rock Wit It” and “White Tee.” What happened to those guys? Maybe Soulja Boy and Waka Flocka gunned them down for supremacy of the Southern-rap-that’s-entirely-devoid-of-lyricism game.

This is brutal to admit, but I also have Elton John songs not titled “Tiny Dancer.” “Rocket Man, “Crocodile Rock,” and “Indian Sunset,” to be precise. Equally brutal: I have three Foreigner songs. They’re the band who did “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight.” Tragically, they don’t seem to have music videos for that or “Cold As Ice.”

Next up, “Baby I’m Falling In Love Again” by Hamilton Joe, Frank & Reynolds. Here’s the story that led to me downloading this song: one fall when I had just arrived back at college, my friend Andres and I were driving back to campus from my storage unit; he was driving his Mustang convertible, and I was in the passenger’s seat with a mini refrigerator on my lap. If at any point he had slammed on the brakes, my parents would have had to get a jumbo-sized casket to accommodate the refrigerator fused to my top half. Thankfully, he didn’t. But my life changed regardless – this song came on the radio, and we were both flabbergasted. Almost gave us the gay, as Rick Santorum might put it. It’s just a real classy jam.

While we’re on the subject of cheesy music, it’s probably a good time to admit that I have like 2 albums of REO Speedwagon. If you’re not familiar, and I’m guessing you’re not, because if you’re reading Gator you’re probably not a middle aged trucker from Iowa, they’re one of those Midwestern arena rock bands whose anthems have names like “Keep on Loving You,” “Time for Me To Fly,” and “Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore.” I used to like REO Speedwagon. OK, I still kinda like them.

That might be it for now. The main lesson from this experiment? I apparently have a crippling weakness for 80s rock.

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Dikembe Mutombo Was Involved in a Smuggling Operation??

By Zach

There was an article on ESPN a couple days ago, first reported by the Houston Chronicle last week, revealing that legendary NBA shotblocker and priceless interviewee Dikembe Mutombo was apparently behind the attempted smuggling of over 1,000 pounds of gold out of his native Congo.

It appears that the operation was botched, but not for lack of effort. Among the story’s details:

– Dikembe made a PowerPoint outlining his plan and presented it to a Houston oil baron

– The person who caught them in the act of smuggling was a warlord general nicknamed “The Terminator”

– From the ESPN article: “We could go through the whole crazy story for you, but why ruin the fun? All you need to know is that it ends with the general and his chief intelligence officer counting a suitcase full of $3.1 million in U.S. bills, a fire truck being driven in front of Lawal’s jet to stop it from taking off, and all of the passengers inside being taken into custody for illegal possession of minerals.”

I guess that for once, someone else blocked Dikembe.

 

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Italian Cruise Ship Captain Says He “Tripped” Into a Lifeboat

By Zach

So the latest from the coast of Italy is that the Costa Concordia’s captain, who is being held by Italian authorities for abandoning his ship before everyone was evacuated, didn’t mean to abandon his post – he tripped off the ship and into a lifeboat.

His full quote: “I didn’t even have a life jacket because I had given it to one of the passengers. I was trying to get people to get into the boats in an orderly fashion. Suddenly, since the ship was at a 60-70° angle, I tripped and I ended up in one of the boats. That’s how I found myself in the lifeboat.”

Good enough for me. Now let the man go! Actually, now that I’m considering the state of the Italian justice system, they probably will.

Anyway, it’s too bad Monica Lewinsky didn’t think of this excuse.


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A Boot, A Whiskey, Her Parents and a Cab to Brooklyn.

By Anthony

I found myself laying in the middle of the street one evening. It was Flatbush, to be exact, in north Brooklyn, and I also found the entire contents of my pockets spread out around me. There wasn’t any visible blood, but I feel like there must have been. I later discovered a medium-sized cut on the back of my head.

A Common Boot Drinking Mechanism

What I did next was quite simple, compared to the questionably interesting (namely drunken) events that led me to this predicament. I gathered my things quickly to avoid the cab driver now exiting his vehicle a few yards down the road, assured the onlookers (it was 3 am, so there were few) that I was, in fact, okay, and then I ran home as fast as I could with out falling over in my possibly very concussed state.

How I ended up there was not surprising, especially for those who know me. After work, the evening started amicably enough at the local office bar. O’Riley’s, for those who don’t know, has a reputation of starting slowly but often ending aggressively. This night would be a case study. Upon finishing our platter and watching a colleague attempt to best a ‘Das Boot,’ (It wasn’t me, I promise) we decided to stay for an extra round. This, of course, turned into two or three. Or maybe four or five.

Eventually, one member of our party got an invitation to drink at a hotel bar on 55th street. Things devolved quickly at this point. We began consuming heavy amounts of very powerful spirits, and this led to a number of drunk texts (lucky you if you got one).

After the last one of these, my time frame for the night disappears. What happened next is merely speculation till the reports come in, and hopefully they never do. But I do recall that I was asked politely to leave the bar with my current mistress for disturbing the other patrons. We did oblige. I found myself in a cab. Things were going well until I looked up to discover I was in the Bronx (not a good place to look up and find yourself in).

Some Powerful Spirits like Those in Question

But anyway, we were at her house. I informed her that I would be coming upstairs, assuming she had a basic sense of decorum. She then decided to inform me that her parents were home and that it wasn’t a good idea. I, as politely as possible, refrained from strangling her for bringing me all the way out there, then politely asked the driver to bring me back home as quickly as possible.

$40 later I was in front of my building. I handed him a wad of cash and headed for the cab door. He locked it and sped away with me inside. He wouldn’t be fooled, this one. I then swiped my card, and went for the door again. Again, he sped away. I didn’t ‘Accept payment, ‘ though this time it was not on purpose.

Now, I was consciously doing my best to adequately pay this man his money owed. But remember, I was under the spell of some very serious spirits and had lost much of my higher reasoning. At this point I felt confident that the payment had gone through and began yelling at him to turn around. He refused. I got nervous and yelled louder. He said something but I couldn’t understand him or hear him and I panicked. I went for the door. He locked it, I started pulling on it fast. I finally got the door open; he yelled something but I didn’t listen and I went for it. I jumped. Fell, rather.

It’s not as easy as it looks in the movies. It’s even harder drunk. I blew it and.landed on my feet. The force felled me backwards and had me land flat on the back my head. And as I mentioner earlier, everything came out of my pockets, which was a surprising twist I hadn’t really banked on. I found my way home, though I can’t say safely considering all that had happened. I remember seriously fearing falling asleep, afraid that I might not wake up. I did however get to sleep shortly afterward and indeed woke up, but it was quite late. I was late for work. Oh yea, this all happened on a Wednesday…

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The Next Middle Eastern Conflict: U.S. Aircraft Carriers vs. Iranian Speedboats

Who wins?

By Zach

The New York Times led with a story this morning on increasing tensions between the U.S. and Iran in the Persian Gulf, specifically the Strait of Hormuz, which Iran is threatening to close off to shipments of oil from countries like Kuwait and Qatar (i.e. a big “F You” to the United States). Even though Iran is essentially the Pinocchio of geopolitics, and there’s a very good chance that such a blockade would never happen, this could have huge implications for the oil industry.

But I’m not here to talk about that. Gator’s more interested in the chance of the U.S. and Iranian navies throwing down in an epic, unconventional clash. The second half of that article talks about how Iran’s been developing its navy, and how if it indeed it closes the strait the U.S. will likely respond militarily:

Pentagon officials, who plan for every contingency, said that, however unlikely, Iran does have the military capability to close the strait. Although Iran’s naval forces are hardly a match for those of the United States, for two decades Iran has been investing in the weaponry of “asymmetric warfare” — mines, fleets of heavily armed speed boats and antiship cruise missiles hidden along Iran’s 1,000 miles of Persian Gulf coastline — which have become a threat to the world’s most powerful navy.

“The simple answer is yes, they can block it,” General Dempsey said on CBS on Sunday.

Later, the Iranian navy is described as having a “high potential for buffoonery” and any potential conflict as being like “a knife fight in a phone booth.” But to top it off, the U.S. has already played a war game for this very situation:

In 2002, a classified, $250 million Defense Department war game concluded that small, agile speedboats swarming a naval convoy could inflict devastating damage on more powerful warships. In that game, the Blue Team navy, representing the United States, lost 16 major warships — an aircraft carrier, cruisers and amphibious vessels — when they were sunk to the bottom of the Persian Gulf in an attack that included swarming tactics by enemy speedboats.

“The sheer numbers involved overloaded their ability, both mentally and electronically, to handle the attack,” Lt. Gen. Paul K. Van Riper, a retired Marine Corps officer who served in the war game as commander of a Red Team force representing an unnamed Persian Gulf military, said in 2008, when the results of the war game were assessed again in light of Iranian naval actions at the time. “The whole thing was over in 5, maybe 10 minutes.”

Holy shit! Their speedboats might sink our aircraft carriers? That wasn’t just the Joint Chiefs playing Risk, it was a $250 million war game! (Which also begs the question, how is it possible to spend that much on an imaginary conflict?)

Anyway, it’s probably not going to happen, because Iran’s probably too focused on protecting at least a couple of their nuclear scientists from Mossad, but it’s a pretty intriguing, albeit hypothetical, scenario.