Category Archives: Politics and Media

London Olympic Games 2012

Instead of the usual coverage of the Olympic games, you know, documenting the humanity of rigorously trained inhuman athletes — and the humans that got them there — I’d like to take on a different approach. Maybe Zach and I will liveblog the liveblogging of an event. Unitl then, here’s some cool artwork from Banksy celebrating the Olympic games in his own hometown.

The pole vaulting completion takes on new stakes

 

 

 

The javelin now has alternate consequences

 

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Theorems by Gator, Volume II

By Anthony,

I’m following Zach’s trend here. Or highjacking it, whatever you prefer to call it. One man’s treasure is another’s trash, right? Here’s a couple random notes to keep you hungry readers satiated until the next big thing.

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WordPress offered this quote to me when I published my last post:

“I am a drinker with writing problems.”
-Brendan Behan

They always drop in a comment when I make a post. Perhaps it’s supposed to be inspirational. This one stood out to me. Take it as you will.

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I was trying to change the font colors on our humble site here when, to my utter dismay, I found that WordPress charges you $30.00 A YEAR for the option of “customizing.” While there are a number of tools that are unlocked with this rather expensive key, the ability to change font colors is also locked in. This is a small gripe, but one worth expressing. Why does a freeware blog site, touting its customization options, not allow us such a basic right? I’m pretty sure I’m protected by the third amendment here. Or maybe it’s the fourth; I’m not sure. But I know it had something to do with online sites and font colors — for sure.

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I’ve noticed recently that our site views are climbing, sometimes rapidly, and also that one of our more seldom writers (I won’t mention names but it starts with an “R” and ends with an “uairi”) is the most viewed contributor. With the available tools, I can see which post is most viewed. Unsurprisingly, it’s the one about marrying Kate Upton. Who knew that hot chicks drove internet traffic? Oh wait, everyone in the model / acting / porn industry. Pretty much the damn everything industry. Makes total sense. So now I’m going to hijack Ruairi’s trend, too.

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I know I’m a little late, but I just wanted to wish everyone a  Happy Fourth of July. What’s a better way to send my best than with a beautiful lady in an America bikini? I can’t think of any. Enjoy my current love interest: Ashley Sky.

If you're reading this, you're missing a really great .gif. Sorry charlie

Ashley Sky for America


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The Prospects of Several Presidential Candidates…as Arrested Development Characters

Note: This post first appeared on Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog. 

By Zach

If I were Ron Paul or Newt Gingrich, right now I’d be screaming “I’m a MONSTER!!!” at the top of my lungs. The game is up for these guys. Their thunder has effectively been hidden. The money in the banana stand has gone up in flames. Oscar Bluth won’t be seeing weed legalized anytime soon, and Lucille II will not become Newt’s fourth wife and the inaugural First Moon Lady.

Yep, we know who we’ve settled on for our general election: Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. But why don’t we analyze them a bit further, and for that matter take a look at their potential vice presidents and cabinets? As you can probably see from the opening paragraph, I’ve decided to do so using the platform of Arrested Development. If you want to question that choice, go right ahead. I don’t understand your criticisms, and I won’t respond.

Mitt Romney = Gob Bluth

I see numerous parallels between Gob Bluth and Mitt Romney. Right now, flush with that primary-victory-aura that you usually only find in pregnant women (Lindsay Funke, this excludes you), Mitt’s cruising around on his Segway, waving (and bloodily attempting to sheath) his samurai sword with confidence. Largely, he stayed above the Boyfight that developed among the other Republican candidates. And with good reason; Mitt and Gob view themselves as born winners. They’re the guy with the $5,000 dollar suit — I mean, COME ON!!

Barack Obama = Michael Bluth

It might be a little unfair to the Republican field, comparing Obama to the only sane character on the show. I thought it rather apt, though, considering the collective dysfunction of the Republican field vying to run against him.

Look, it’s not like Obama is always successful with his policies. When you run a country, you’re going to get hop-ons.

Rick Santorum = Tobias Funke

Santorum may have peaked too early — he shot his wad prematurely on what was supposed to be a dry run, and now  he has a large mess on his hands. Whoops, lotta poorly chosen words there. But maybe they’re fitting, considering how the gay community has named a unique liquid mixture after everyone’s favorite indignation-machine.

The game’s not necessarily up for Santorum, though. He could still make the Romney ticket, if only to satisfy their rabidly anti-female, tea partying base. But if I were them, I’d be worried that Santorum might come out as a never-nude, or even get caught in a rest stop bathroom with Barry Zuckercorn, their feet straying. Santorum has such a rich history as an analyst and therapist for the nation’s gays, women, immigrants and amateur pornographers that you wonder if his business cards might be getting at something else.

Nevertheless, Santorum has to have his sights set on Romney’s ticket. I’m sure that right now he can just taste those meaty vice presidential man parts in his mouth.

Joe Biden = Carl Weathers

I’m sorry, Joe. I know you’re probably a normal and minimally goofy man, but the Onion and Jason Sudeikis have completely and utterly skewed my perception of you. And I just can’t help but envision you sitting at a table chiding Tobias for finishing his drumstick. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you’ve got a stew going.”

Newt Gingrich = Barry Zuckerkorn

Their personas aren’t all that similar, but I find them to be similarly competent in their chosen professions. If only Newt’s bluster was as endearing as Barry’s dependence on Ask Jeeves for legal matters. Whatever the case, Newt and Barry will have to content themselves with a place in the background, itching the rash on their foreheads.

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Ma’am, Is This a Preexisting Condition?

You mean, was I BORN on fire?  For some reason I think this would’ve been a lot funnier if the firefighter had a Southern accent. But it’s still a decent parody.

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Comin’ Straight Outta Bushwick: 1.21 Gigawatts

 

Note from Zach – This is a project a couple of my friends have been working on. It’s a pretty cool idea, so support the cause and check out 1.21 Gigawatts when it hits a newsstand/iPad near you!

The Magazine

1.21 Gigawatts is a bi-monthly arts and music magazine based in Brooklyn, NY made by a group of Brooklyn based artists. It’s a full size, 32 page, full color magazine. We are focusing mainly on the New York music and art scene. Every issue includes a free downloadable playlist as well as an original piece of artwork in each copy.

We are also creating two separate digital versions of each issue. One in basic PDF format and another specifically made for the iBooks app on iPad and iPhone. The iBooks version will feature a totally different design than the print version including extensive photo and art galleries as well as videos.

Our core staff all met while interning at PAPER Magazine, and after being inspired by what we saw and learned at the magazine we decided to create a publication that covered our scene and community. We have also picked up other staff members along the way including filmmakers, fashion students, etc.

Our first issue will include articles on Oberhofer, Bear in Heaven, The Yellow Dogs, Life Size Maps and artwork from our whole staff as well as a few other New York artists.

We have already started compiling content for the first two issues of the magazine. Now all we need to make this magazine a reality is your help.

How You Can Help

The biggest thing you can do to help is back our project financially. ($) We have tons of rewards at many different levels. Ranging from $5 all the way up to $1000 which gets you a subscription and an illustrated portrait of yourself on the back cover of the first issue. ALL reward levels will come with a sticker.

You can also help by spreading the word through facebook, twitter, tumblr, blogs, and other forms of social media. Spreading the word of our magazine is as important as backing it. Not only do we want to raise the money to make this, but we also want to get as many people excited for it as possible.

Kickstarter works on an all or nothing basis. If we fail to meet our goal of $9000 we don’t get any of the money. That’s why it’s really important that you share this campaign with your friends and family.

$900 down, $8100 to go!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/dannykrug/121-gigawatts-magazine

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Why Politicians Will Be Intentionally Comedic One Day

By Zach

When you looked at him closely at the Oscars, beneath the Botox and blackface, you could tell that Billy Crystal was at one point a funny man. There remains in his persona a semblance of the sarcasm and endearing snark that made him a top-grossing comedic actor. But as the host of the Academy Awards a few weeks ago, as everyone knew would be the case, he was predictable, desperate and out of touch.

You could rightly say that this was right up the Academy’s alley. It’s well documented that they’re the whitest, oldest organization this side of the Harvard Board of Directors. For the rest of us viewers — and there were about 38 million of them — Crystal just wasn’t very funny. He fell into that gray territory between the SNL realm of “somewhat amusing” and Jay Leno’s kingdom, “downright painful to watch.”

So what causes this? Why do funny actors lose their ability to induce laughter? We’ve seen it happen with Eddie Murphy, Chevy Chase and Adam Sandler. Unfortunately, it may be happening to Will Ferrell, although he’s still a hot little potato and it’s definitely too early to crash his funeral.

The standard argument goes that as these actors become celebrities, they lose touch with what real people find funny. There’s a good deal of truth to that. In the same way that a white comedian can’t really get to the bottom of race, someone who has a personal driver can’t make jokes about traffic. The funniest comedians still act like human beings. This is why people love Louis C.K. and worship Jon Stewart. They’re stars, but they’ve retained their normality.

The others, those who allow themselves to reach a certain level of celebrity, soon find that their audience can no longer relate to them. They become parodies of themselves, has-beens. Reinvention is always a possibility (see the cases of Alec Baldwin and Danny DeVito), but for most comedians it remains elusive.

There’s an additional aspect to this argument, however, and it concerns the nature of power: Powerful people generally aren’t funny. Mitt Romney pretended that a woman at a diner in New Hampshire pinched his butt. Obama had a cringe-worthy line about spilled milk in his last State of the Union. You could argue quite validly that the reason they aren’t funny is because they have more important matters at hand. Namely, getting elected president and being president. Yeah, the media tears them apart when they say something awkward in an attempt at humor, but the criticism is underlined by the knowledge that these politicians have other qualities that compensate for their one shortcoming.

So that’s what’s happening in the present. What we’re going to start seeing in the future, though, is an increasing prevalence of humor in our national discourse: Politicians are going to get funnier.

It’s already happening, slowly. Nancy Pelosi did that video attacking Stephen Colbert; it wasn’t uproarious, but it was a good effort from a woman we don’t often associate with lightheartedness. Jon Huntsman’s daughters made a video mocking Herman Cain’s strange smoking ad. In the next few decades, we’re going to see more jokes and movie quotes in the State of the Union. Sure, they’ll be about two or three weeks behind the rest of pop culture, but it’s gonna happen.

What will it look like?

In 2017, after consolidating his thirty-year third term, Ayatollah Obama will quote classic SNL bits at a press conference: “I AM IN CHARGE OF 500 MILLION AMERICAN CONVERTED MUSLIMS. I AM VERY IMPORTANT. I DRIVE A HYUNDAI SONATA, AS DOES EVERYONE IN DETROIT  NOW.”

In 2030, following a coup by the rapidly deteriorating Sarah Palin and the vestiges of the NRA and Tea Party, swiftly accompanied by the end of women’s suffrage, an elderly Rick Santorum will crack wise: “What’s the best thing about a blow job? …. Ten minutes of silence!” And people will chortle, because obviously blow jobs are illegal. And then they’ll go back to having unprotected missionary sex during ovulation.

In 2043, President Bieber will make fun of Speaker of the House Lohan, Senators Ansari and Jonah Hill, and Vice President Biden, who will confusedly ask his aides to wheel Ol Joe out to the White House driveway to finish washing his Trans Am.

America, this is your future.

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In Case You Missed It

By Anthony

Ol’ Newt is at it again with another great soundbite. This one comes to us from a business luncheon. He tasks the Afghan people with learning “how to live your own miserable lives.” Responding to questions about violence in Afghanistan, Gringrich seemingly threw up his hands and made clear his policy.

My problem here is with his arrogance and his ignorance. What kind of statement is that? How can our presidential candidate, the man running for leader of the free world, view an entire nation with such disdain? This is not a point of view America, or anyone, should maintain. People ask the old, stupid question — “why do they hate us?” It’s an unanswerable question for several reasons, but that’s besides the point. The point is that quotes and views like these don’t help.

His advice: “You know, you’re going to have to figure out how to live your own miserable life… Because you clearly don’t want to learn from me how to be unmiserable.”

Source: Wall Street Journal

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Conservative Tax Policy: Krontar’s Greater Fledermaus Theorem

By Simon

Let’s just get this out of the way: the idea that conservatives oppose taxes on the wealthiest Americans is because they, themselves, are part of that tax bracket is probably pretty misguided.  This isn’t to say there’s no truth to it, but that’s the kind of thing that tends to draw scrutiny from the Justice Department with some celerity.

Before you start calling me naive, just hear me out.  I promise I have a better explanation for why certain politicians, against the better judgment of what I would consider to be what’s known colloquially as a “preposterous majority” of Americans, insist on voting against taxing people who can afford it.  Also, my name is Simon, not “Naive,” and if you call me that one more time I’m going to cover your car in Kraft Singles and liberally apply heat.

I’m going to paint a picture for you here.

Think back to your childhood.  No, not that one.  Nobody cares if you were a “leash kid.”  I’m talking about your childhood.  The childhood of rainy Saturday mornings, of playing the “how many bowls of Lucky Charms can I get away with eating before my parents notice” game, of doing everything in your power to make your parents terrified for your future.

Naturally, that means I’m talking about Batman.  Let’s delve deeper into this arbiter of nocturnal justice.  Under the guise of darkness, he assumes the aspect of a fearsome crime-fighting man of the night.  Undetectable, all-seeing, swift and irresistibly attracted to low-hanging tropical fruits, mercilessness is the only capacity which Batman doesn’t inherit from his namesake.

Unlike other superheroes, though, Batman has no powers of an appropriately super nature, and he isn’t exactly the greatest at PR.  His aptitude for ass-kicking seems to go more or less unappreciated by the establishment, save a few key alliances at the top of the Gotham food chain, and all of this begs the question:  How can he afford all the fisticuffs he lays down on the bad guys?  How about that supercomputer he’s got laying around in a damp cave? How many Batarangs don’t come back?  Those things can’t be cheap.

The answer, of course, lies with his daytime venture, Wayne Enterprises (formerly WayneCorp), the world’s leader in investments, technology, research and development, contracting, agribusiness, manufacturing, telecom, aerospace, chemistry, raw materials acquisition and apparently crime-fighting discretionary funds.   Suffice it to say that Bruce Wayne makes an absolute batload of money.

But what happens when Barack Hussein Obama, a devout secret Muslim bent on eradicating religion, gets elected to a second term and decides to fulfill his socialist fascist Global Warming conspiracy Community-Supported-Agriculture  plan to raise taxes by EIGHTY BILLION PERCENT?  Suddenly Wayne Enterprises has a lot less money to throw around and Bruce Wayne, once Gotham’s foremost job creator, has to fight for scraps in Uncle Obama’s soup lines like the rest of us.  Granted, the way he can fight, he’d probably end up with a monopoly on state-owned soup, but last time I checked you can’t fight crime with squash bisque.

To bring this twisted, nearly unreadable rambling full circle, I present you with the following eyebrow-raising conclusion:  Republicans can’t tax rich people because some day, in some land, for some reason, out of their ranks will rise a hero, and that hero will need stacks on stacks to have any hope of bringing justice back to this God-forsaken land.  Ladies and Gentlemen, the Batman Thesis.

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The Most Important Thing You Need To Do Right Now

By Anthony

If you are like me, or like any number of pretty much ANYONE in the world, then you use Google to sometimes search stuff on the internet. You also, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, sometimes search things on Google that you wouldn’t want Grandma Gator to see.

Do yourself — and Grandma Gator — a favor. Go here: https://www.google.com/history

If you’ve been ignoring the messages from Google about their changing privacy polices, that’s okay. I understand. But you cant ignore what you’ll see if you log in to Google history. It’s startling.

Thankfully you can delete it and pause it. No one needs to know about your searches for WWII-era dictatorship hentai and rose garden pruning (the kind that may or may not involve a Republican candidate’s namesake.)

Ignoring your browsing history might be like leaving a grocery bag full of porn in a taxi cab when your name starts with a B and ends with an arack Obama. To make matters worse, the guy getting in the cab after you is Bill Keller (The guy runs a paper you might have heard of.) Editor’s note: No, he doesn’t.

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On the Subject of Santorum and the Primaries:

Santorum's aggressive election campaign uses alternative measures

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