In today’s burgeoning economy, Liberal Arts graduates are having to claw their way through a dense and aggressive tangle of job offers from NGOs, non-profits, consulting firms and universities just to get to the bartending positions our generation was promised. Companies finding themselves at the mercy of overflowing coffers and client lists that conventional databases struggle to contain are resorting to measures of dubious legality but definite extremity. Just last Wednesday, a man in Tulsa was literally kidnapped and forcibly enrolled in a fully compensated zero-deductible PPO and 401k by a company desperate for new hires.
These companies have so many high-paying, comfortable jobs that, as one recent study found, the departments responsible for placing people in said positions are understaffed by as much as 44% in some industries. Further still, the mathematical analytics division of the company that produced that statistic was so short-handed that they were completely unable to guarantee its accuracy. Internationally, this phenomenon has prompted hundreds of thousands of employees in Greece to take paid leave from their salaried private sector positions in order to take to the streets, clamoring for more people to join the workforce.
Make no mistake — employment is dangerous and a potential threat to your well-being. Job-having is known to carry an unpleasant list of side effects, including but not limited to increased risk of exposure to paying customers, a nagging sense of purpose, various attributes and activities described as “gainful,” and in rare cases (usually among men aged 41-55) the spontaneous and inexplicable acquisition of a ‘65 Mustang. In one graphic example, a loyal salaryman of a prominent encyclopedia sales firm sustained multiple papercuts while attempting to take his paycheck out of its envelope at the bank.
Not only that, but preliminary investigations conclude that animals grow to resemble the spaces they habitually occupy — meaning your average office employee may be as much as 56% more cubic by the time they finally get their life together and quit. And if you think that drastic body reshaping won’t affect your social life, think about what happened to all those kids in the Gushers commercials after the cameras stopped rolling and they had to live with watermelon heads until their sad, lonely deaths.
Now that we’ve established that you simply can’t afford to have a job, here are some tips to keep you in a perpetual state of unemployability:
Ever heard somebody say that networking is the most important component of any job search? Well, they couldn’t be more right. Burning bridges is about the same basic concepts behind networking, except instead of taking your old boss out for coffee and asking for a recommendation, you shit in the glove compartment of his Lexus. Frequent and indiscriminate adultery with spouses of former employers will also score you major points in this category.
One of the better ways to stave off employment before it happens to you or the ones you love is a good old-fashioned smokescreen, the time-tested tactic of riot police and ninjas everywhere. Using multiple aliases and addresses online will keep companies guessing as to where they should aim their Orbital Compensation Satellites, keeping you safe from hazardous hiring.
In the dire contingency that you find yourself interviewed under duress, try to distract your potential boss with alarming or outrageous claims about your habits and beliefs. This is the perfect chance to tell them about that Synchronized Swimming for Neo-Nazis class you took in college, or that one time you got really hammered with your uncle and tried to summon what he described to you as “a shitpile of naked witches” in his basement. Or, just tell them you’re voting for Ron Paul — anything you can do to convince this interviewer that you have the judgment of a drunk four-year-old and couldn’t hold a job if it was stapled to your hand.
Whether you’re making a first impression or already have a job, nothing makes you as undesirable an employee as a good old-fashioned case of the stank. And when it comes to stank, the danker the better — being the second most odoriferous person in the room doesn’t cut it in today’s competitive unemployment market.
You want to hit all of the major stank categories: dog, mold, old food, PineSol, crotch rot, chowder farts, and brain-stinging amounts of Axe Body Spray. How much is enough, you might ask? If you can’t be legally classified as a biohazard, keep laying on the expired mayonnaise. Once you achieve true proficiency in these aspects, you’ll be able to stroll confidently into the office, redolent of forced retirement.
-Pad Your Resume
Recruiters in any field will tell you that the easiest way to avoid consideration for a position is to fail to list the required amount of experience in your resume. Tens of thousands of well-qualified candidates get turned down for positions every year because their CVs are littered with entries that are either irrelevant to the job being applied for or are typeset in Comic Sans, rendering them completely illegible and obfuscating the entries that might actually get them a job. While normally a tragedy, we bend this unintentionally brilliant tactic to the purpose of disemployment.
The first step is to list everything you’ve ever done or been recognized for in agonizing detail. The immune systems of resume readers and recruiters are notoriously weak against documents whose page lengths exceed 3, making them vulnerable to secondary infections like the TMI virus. Tell them about the Spelling Bee you almost won in the fourth grade, the sportsmanship trophy you won in rec league Disc Golf, or maybe that time you socked a kid in the unmentionables for cheating at Yahtzee. Are you being considered for a job at an investment firm? Be sure to elaborate on the valuable lessons you learned interning as a Hackey-sack Repair Technician at the Hipster Circus in Peoria.
-Use the Liabilibuddy System
Everyone knows the best way to get fired is to put your company or their holdings in legal jeopardy, but doing it alone can be difficult. Realistically speaking, any of these tactics require the aid of a skilled conspirator to truly master. Having a Liabilibuddy also has a hidden semantic advantage: in the tragic event that one of you gets jobbed up, as a pair you’re technically still only employed part-time. Whether it’s a spouse, significant other or just a bro down the hall who is looking for the mutual benefit of a partner-in-sloth, having a Liabilibuddy is a crucial step towards achieving your dreams of chronic joblessness.
Above all, Liabilibuddies help you stay sharp in a world where opportunity lurks around every corner, waiting to strike. Without a partner around to let the milk spoil in the fridge or forget to pay the water bill, you may find yourself too healthy and clean to hold hiring at bay for more than a few months. And in your moments of weakness, when your life is crying out for a purpose and the benefits packages sound too ripe to pass up, no force on earth can keep you safely at home like that voice beside you that asks “Come on bro, one more round of Black Ops?”
Stay lazy, my friends.