A Man’s Guide to Texting, Volume I: The Opener

By Anthony (with a few interjections by Zach)

So it’s Friday night and you have nothing to do. Maybe you’re desperate. Maybe you’re just bored. Your greatest tool on any night like this is usually in your pocket. Your cell phone.

In your hands, though, it’s also a dagger, and you have a propensity to use it for self-infliction. Were this Romeo and Juliet, that image might be romantic. Instead, it’s the year 2012, romance is dead, you’re looking for a hookup and the only poison you’ll be consuming is intentional. Your tool / dagger isn’t between your legs. Well, maybe it is, but that’s a totally different post. It’s your cell phone, with an unlimited text messaging plan, of course.

Go ahead, text that rando from the bar last weekend. Or maybe your old hookup from college who posted on Facebook that she’d be around this weekend, even though it wasn’t even remotely directed at you. You can even try that one girl you met who also happens to live across the hall but obviously has better plans that probably involve a yacht, Kanye, or a helicopter. Let’s face it, nine times out of ten beautiful girls have way better things to do than shoot pool with you down at Joe’s Pub for Fine Hops and Spirits. But it’s worth it to try and lure em’ anyways. Here’s a couple notes to live by when attempting a Trojan-style siege of some female nether regions.

Note from Zach: Having witnessed Anthony’s texting game firsthand, I thought it’d be only fair to offer some supplementary advice for any of our impressionable young male readers, so as to not leave them sweaty-palming their mother’s Victoria’s Secret catalog upon their lonely return home. 

Nothing matters. The most important thing is to remember is that not trying won’t get you anywhere and most guys out there aren’t trying nearly hard enough. So go ahead young pilgrim, text away. Score something for the little guy. Or the big guy. Or whatever it is you call yourself when you step on the scale in the morning. Lesson one is simple — just do it.

Zach’s take: Absolutely correct in this instance – there’s nothing young Griselda looks forward to more than a wax-sealed manuscript from her handsome Smedley. The only amendment I’d make to Anthony’s texting constitution (thus far) is to make sure you’re spreading your seed far and wide. Figuratively. The first time I met my girlfriend, even as I was talking to her I was texting a baker’s dozen other lasses, ranging from sorority queens to a chick I met at the local dump. Spread those tentacles while you can, gents. Before long these nubile specimens will be pregnant or carted off to a nunnery.

How do I make the first text pop? Remember, the first text is always the most important. It’s your opener. You never get a second chance to send the first text again. I always try simple stuff, but nothing too basic like, “Hey.” That’ll get ya nothing but a “hey” back and a lonely night playing Call of Duty and trying to find porn on Netflix, which, FYI, is nearly impossible. Instead, try something like, “Hi there.” It works well because it’s simple, casual AND friendly all at the same time. It’s not intimidating or standoffish and it’s not like you’re trying to be ‘too cool’ either. It really hits the trifecta. But this is important: don’t pigeonhole yourself here. While the classics work well, you need to be prepared with a carefully rehearsed arsenal to greet any potential babe (or mystery girl if you prefer.) You never know where your texts are headed, or at least never precisely. Once they’re out, they’re out.

Zach’s take: “Hi there” works; it’s a bit more playful than the Texan “Howdy” or faux-urban “Yo.” But it’s on the unoriginal side. I usually skip the greetings and just go straight to “Wanna frolick?” or “Mating would be fun.” But I understand that these aren’t always solid first-time opening lines.

Sometimes you’ve got to open with something exotic like, “Hola amiga.” This shows that you’re obviously brilliant because you possess deep working knowledge of the Spanish language. It also throws em off. Sometimes, in mid-summer, girls don’t know if you’re Spanish or not because you’ve been at the beach every weekend drinking Coronas with your boys while playing shirtless Frisbee. This kind of stuff keeps ’em guessing, interested and, most importantly, coming back for another text message.

Zach’s take: C’mon Anthony. They know you don’t speak Spanish.

Try starting with simplicity and class by using a compliment to lighten the mood and get her ready for some serious finger banging … on her flip out keyboard! Your mom might tell you to start by saying something about her shoes, like, “Hey, I really liked those shoes you had on at the mall today. Were those Hush Puppies or Skechers?” Screw that, you’re not trying to pick up your mom. Turn that shit on its head by still giving a nod to first vagina you ever penetrated (in reverse fashion.) Again, the tempo here is surprise so I recommend something edgy. You have a beautiful name. It was my mother’s name, too.” You can lie here, it’s okay. The likelihood of this runaway ever meeting your mother are about as good as your mother ever acknowledging your existence at her weekly bridge games.  (Bonus tip: if you’re shooting to leap the age demographic, tell them it was Granny’s name. Trust me)

Zach’s take: Yikes on that vagina penetration line. And I daresay Freud would have issues with the entire preceding paragraph. But the real issue here, ignoring the irony of preaching about class and using the words “finger banging” in the same paragraph, is that girls don’t necessarily like classy dudes. Look at you: you’re successful with women, and you hang out at Brighton Beach on weekends sipping spritzers of grape juice and codeine you selected out of a guy’s shopping cart in an alley. Girls like a little grit. 

Or go with something super affectionate if it’s a long shot and you’ve got nothing to lose. “Hey there beautiful angel,” or “Hi [name] baby,” are both good examples of making the first text a pleasant surprise. The only thing to remember here: go for broke but keep it classy and funny. If they get the wrong idea, you’re toast. This is best left for the most self-confident. You want whoever is at the other end of the invisible / digital / magic post office to understand what you’re saying. Which is: I like you and am attracted to you enough to make a move like this, but you’re not the only person who I’m texting right now.

Zach’s take: I wouldn’t go the angelic route, and I always thought it was creepy that guys call girls “baby.” But yeah, some flattery doesn’t hurt. I often send my girlfriend texts calling her things like “My saucy little pork dumpling” or “you freaky, nasty, God-estranged mynx.” Usually elicits a positive reaction. Get creative here, men. If there’s one thing girls enjoy, it’s being compared to Chinese appetizers.

Lastly, pitch a Hail Mary. Tell ’em the basics. Remember in fifth grade when you started “analyzing” chapter books? You’d need to do a book report on the ol’ five-finger-overview. Well now you can use those five fingers for something else (if you know what I mean) and  just give them the Who, What, Where, When and HowJust make sure your address is baller, like 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, that your name is ambiguously famous (say, Sir Anthony West), and that you have a good excuse ready for why the limo didn’t show up outside her apartment.

Zach’s take: Couldn’t agree more. Details are important. Most of my texts to girls just say things like “Your place. Bacon bits,” or “that underpass in Prospect Park. Bath salts.” An informative invitation with alluring undertones: that’s what every text you send to a girl should be. 

Okay, gents, with these tested, tried-and-true one line magic makers, you can’t go wrong. You’re ready to start making some first moves and dipping your toes in the water. Just remember, this texting game is a wild ride and as dangerous as it exciting. Be sure to catch the next installment, Volume II: Emoticons and You, When to Use Em and When to Lose Em.

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2 thoughts on “A Man’s Guide to Texting, Volume I: The Opener

  1. Good to see Smedley is still getting out there. Although now I have this weird image of Jaunzems giving me relationship advice.

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