An NBA Trade Deadline Breakdown In Which I Solely Use Harry Potter Analogies

Harry's been a revelation for the Timberwolves this season.

By Zach

So the trade deadline passed for the National Basketball Association yesterday, and while some teams were flailing around in the market like a Whomping Willow, others stood stiller than a first-year in an Invisibility Cloak. This means that the Boston Celtics will go into the playoffs with a frontline of Flitwick-sized big men. The plus to this is that they’re currently projected to play Miami in the first round, and let’s face it, Joel Anthony isn’t exactly Hagrid when it comes to controlling the low post. And Chris Bosh, despite his talents, still looks more like a Norwegian Ridgeback than a human, so we can always hold that against him.

But I’m getting off-topic. This is about basketball.

There were a couple trades yesterday that weren’t quite Voldemort-is-back type news, but they were definitely newsier than your average Rita Skeeter column. In probably the biggest trade of the day, the Washington Wizards sent renowned Lee Jordan-impersonator JaVale McGee to the Nuggets, an Angelina Johnson-style gunner in Nick Young to the Clippers, and in exchange Denver power forward Nene received his Hogwarts letter and will now be a Wizard.

This has multiple implications. First of all, the Nuggets taking McGee is riskier than a Forbidden Forest foray at night. McGee might have potential, but he has all the intelligence of a troll; we’ll see if Denver coach George Karl can put a wand up his nose and knock some sense into him.

Also, the Wizards don’t exactly have a sure thing in Nene. He’s kind of like the Slytherin Quidditch team — he looks really good on paper and his physical attributes are basically a Nimbus Two Thousand and One, but there’s a Malfoyan inability to dominate lurking beneath the surface of the big Brazilian. Plus, he’s aging faster than Dumbledore on a Horcrux hunt.

The other big trade was between Portland and New Jersey — the Trailblazers sent forward Gerald Wallace to New Jersey for a high pick in this year’s draft and a couple of guys who are more hopeless than Neville Longbottom on a broomstick. (Portland also sent veteran center Marcus Camby to Houston in exchange for a couple of Chocolate Frogs). Essentially, Portland decided to go to Albania, hide their soul in a quiet, inexperienced professor (interim head coach Kaleb Canales) and try to rebuild their team.

Of course, the question arises: what was New Jersey thinking? They’re trying to rebuild as well, and bringing in Gerald Wallace instead of Dwight Howard is akin to taking Luna Lovegood to a Christmas party instead of Ginny Weasley.

Meanwhile, the Lakers were also busy at the trade deadline, bringing in Ramon Sessions and shipping out Derek Fisher. Sessions is rather like Seamus Finnigan — he brings some stuff to the table, but overall he’s rather unappealing, a booger-flavored Bertie Bott’s Every Flavored Bean, if you will. But he’s still an improvement over Derek Fisher, who is so old that he still refers to You Know Who as He Who Must Not Be Named.

Wait, we’re missing a big trade — Monta Ellis and Ekpe Udoh for Andrew Bogut and Stephen Jackson! Milwaukee got tired of Bogut’s injuries, and/or discovered that he was moonlighting as a werewolf during his absences. So it made sense for them to trade for Ellis, a guy who can put up Cedric Diggorian numbers (and no, we’re not talking about Quidditch) but might need an Oliver Wood-esque leader in his life. It’s not clear if Milwaukee has this kind of leader. Brandon Jennings is talented, but he’s no Viktor Krum.

Tune in next time, when I’ll examine the similarities in personality between Carmelo Anthony and Gilderoy Lockhart.

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