Children, Shield Your Eyes: My Google Search History

One of the only things I HAVEN'T typed into Google.

By Zach

I just got around to taking Anthony up on his advice and looking up my Google search history. I’ll admit it right now: I squirmed a considerable amount as the results were loading and each time I clicked the “Older” button. I knew ahead of time that there would be some weird shit in there. It was not my proudest experience on the Internet. But you’re about to know that anyway.

So here’s a list of words and phrases that at some point, for some reason, I typed into the Google search bar. I was going to just list the words without explanation, but looking at them now, I think I’ve gotta clarify a bunch of these.

– deer humping (This was my friend in college who jumped on my computer and changed the screensaver. I swear.)

– orgasm sound wav (Same friend. I swear to God, he hacked my computer and figured out a way to make a sound clip of a woman orgasming play every time I opened or closed a window)

– men’s asses (This was the background he chose. You gotta believe me.)

– creepy guy (I have no explanation. Maybe I was looking for a picture to use in my school paper.)

– platypus (This is getting weird.)

– creepy old guy + confederate flag (Alright, I’ll come clean. I have a fetish for this.)

– fat guy with mustache (…and this.)

– hoes, bad bitch, hooker and sluts (Just to clarify, these were all separate entries around the same time. I think I was looking for a picture for a Powerpoint for my Danish language class when I was studying abroad.)

– make it rain (Googling my life mantra?)

– dancing king (Absolutely no idea what this was about)

– which countries are shiite and sunni (I still couldn’t tell you exactly)

– miley cyrus (Anthony borrowed my computer)

– nazi t4 program (I took a Holocaust class, so this is defensible. Otherwise that’d be really creepy)

– genghis khan vampire (Huh?)

– Philanderer synonyms (For my diary)

– grizzly bear (They’re awesome)

– royal wedding blowjob (This was actually kind of a famous photo, which I now see has been adapted nicely into a rather humorous GIF)

– keynesian economics (Maybe looked it up for a class)

– boko haram (Terrorist group that’s absolutely tearing Nigeria apart. I wanted more info I guess)

– herman cain quotes pokemon (A woman called me at work to tell me about this; she said her son picked up on it while she was watching Cain speak on TV. I looked it up on the Internet and it’s true – he quoted Pokemon on multiple occasions, and there was no way it could have been an accident. This was one of the weirder stories in an already strange election cycle)

– will ferrell old milwaukee (Fantastic ads. Watch them if you haven’t already. America.)

– boo the cutest dog in the world (Fuck you. Boo is adorable.)

– rick ross hustlin’ lyrics (I needed a word to rhyme with “Atlantic” for my poetry class, so Rick Ross helped me out. And thus was born the stanza “Her eyes were distant and cold/against the swell of the Atlantic/And alas I knew I had grown old/Since last I glimpsed the Atlantic”)

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One thought on “Children, Shield Your Eyes: My Google Search History

  1. Jimmy Stew says:

    ahahahah i remember the orgasm one hahaha! great times man

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