Black Diamond Ski Trails That Should Exist

By Zach

There’s something inherently pleasing about people and places that have fitting names. Coon Rapids is a fantastic name for a backwater town. Saxby Chambliss perfectly befits a crusty old conservative senator from Georgia.

Ski trails are no different – their names are important. Anyone who’s ever been skiing knows that a mountain’s trails are rated by their difficulty in two ways.

The first is obvious – trails are given a black diamond,  blue square or green circle designation according to the likelihood that you’ll strew your bike helmet, rental Elans, and tattered bits of your jeans across the trail at some point in your descent.

The other is less immediately apparent, but beginners in particular tend to catch on the trend quickly. I’m referring of course to the trail names themselves. Nine times out of ten, Avalanche is going to be fairly steep, and likewise Rabbit Path will probably be flatter than Mia Hamm in a sports bra.

When they’re naming their most treacherous trails, ski resorts generally stop at names like White Heat or Freefall. I think they should go a step further.

Some suggestions for any of our readers who might currently be cutting a black diamond and can’t think of a name for it:

Satan’s Butthole – Really, fits anything.

Kardashian Exit – Probably best for a short trail with a steep, choppy final pitch. Ideal also if positioned under a chairlift, for maximum visibility from onlookers.

Hitler’s Bunker – Perfect for any trail that doesn’t see much sun.

– Rear Entries – Funny on a couple different levels

Donner Party Dinner – Would work well for any ski resort in the Sierra Nevada with a trail that chews skiers up. Figuratively.

– Bear Fucker – Signs from ski patrol on the sides of the trail could read: “DO YOU NEED ASSISTANCE?” If you picked up on that Super Troopers quote, congratulations.

– Wheelchair Alley – Again, fits pretty much anything

Guillotine – I just kind of like the imagery that would go through people’s heads at the top of this trail.

– Torn ACL – Concise, informative, prophetic

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