My Hopes and Dreams for the Boston Celtics

By Zach

Some people say that the Celtics, losers of four straight games, don’t stand a chance tonight against the Thunder, winners of six in a row. Well, GATOR AIN’T PLAYING THAT. He’s thinking positively, and so am I. Here’s what I hope will happen for the Celtics this season.

I hope that Kevin Garnett and Jermaine O’Neal will start meeting up in the parking lot after practices to do massive amounts of steroids.

I hope that Ray Allen will kidnap Rondo, lock him in a gym somewhere in Boston and force him to shoot jumpers over and over until he makes ten out of ten. I hope that while this is happening, Ray will bind Rondo’s gigantic man-hands the same way that Chinese parents bind their daughters’ feet to assure the proper level of daintiness, so that his hands will return to normal human size and his shot will no longer look like me shooting a Nerf basketball.

I hope that Rasheed Wallace comes out of retirement to play for the Celtics, putting up a double-double off the bench only to be suspended for a marijuana violation after a game in Portland, but subsequently reinstated by David Stern for “basketball reasons.”

I hope that following his Super Bowl win, Rob Gronkowski joins the Celtics as an undersized center a la Chuck Hayes, and immediately makes the starting position his.

I hope that Greg Stiemsma breaks Elmore Smith’s record for 17 blocks in a game in the Eastern Conference Finals against the Heat, stepping over a stricken LeBron after the 18th.

Finally, I hope that Avery Bradley morphs into Kobe Bryant.

That is all I ask.

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