The People I’ll Meet in Hell

By Zach

The other day I started reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom, who also wrote Tuesdays With Morrie. It’s good so far – predictably excellent writing and an intriguing protagonist. More importantly, though, it got me thinking: who will I be meeting in hell?

Now, I’m not totally certain I’m going there. My grasp on religion is about as tenuous as Anthony’s on sobriety. I have not read the Bible. I’ve been to church twice in my life, once with my grandma when I was little and once on Christmas Eve because my mom thought that sitting in a cold pew — churches in northern New Hampshire are NOT insulated, by the way — would be preferable to drinking hot chocolate and watching A Christmas Story at home. But despite my aggressively secular upbringing, I do know that I’ve definitely got the seven deadly sins covered.

Lust – Checked that one off a thousand times. In fact, I check it off every time I watch Modern Family and Sofia Vergara bounces her way onto the screen.

Envy – I’m jealous of everyone. I’m jealous of Kevin Durant for his athletic ability, of bankers who go on lavish trips and of homeless guys who can piss in public and no one says a word. I feel a lot of envy.

Pride – Hell yeah, I’m proud – I’m white and I live in the United States! I have all my teeth, I know how to read, and I’m over 6 feet tall! Of course I’m proud.

I think those three alone cover it. So let’s safely assume that if there is a hell, I’m sure as hell going. And if, Mitch Albom’s theory is correct, I’ll meet five people who were somehow significantly involved in my arrival in hell in the first place. This doesn’t mean that they necessarily belong in hell themselves, because they probably don’t. But who will they be?

I think I know one of them, at least.

It’s definitely the deaf girl. A couple months ago I was playing soccer for Anthony’s company league, and we had a ringer on the team – this girl with a hearing aid. I noticed it when she introduced herself, but kinda forgot about it.

Later, as she was leaving, we talked briefly and she asked what my name was again.

I said Zach.

She said what?

I started shouting “Z AS IN ZEBRA…”

She adopted this  really hurt look and pointed to her ear. “Uh, I’m deaf.”

So I’ll be seeing her down there.


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