“All Our Jobs Are Going to China. If I Were President, The Only Thing Going to China Would Be Missiles”

By Zach

The Onion News Network used to do segments featuring Joad Cressbeckler; for whatever reason, they were discontinued.  For a few golden months, though, the  grizzled prospector turned pundit gave us gems like these:

On the Irish famine: “Tater disease what brung us the Irish”

On homosexuality: “You say it ain’t right for two old prospectors to tug at each other’s peckers to keep em from dropping off in the frostbite?”

On NASA: “Now these space princes are goin’ round demanding all the greenbacks a cow can carry so they can keep gallavantin’ in their rockets”

On development in the Persian Gulf: “Those Mohammadens are fixin to build the tallest building what could scrape the sky.”

On veterans: “I don’t respect no man what ain’t lost a body part at war”

On U.S. relations with China: “And all our jobs are goin to China. If I’re president the only thing goin’ to China would be MISSILES”

And my new go-to pickup line: “You set my blood a-dancin with all your pillowy parts”

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One thought on ““All Our Jobs Are Going to China. If I Were President, The Only Thing Going to China Would Be Missiles”

  1. Onion news for president! I just love it. The satire is beautiful. Cressbeckler is the coolest ever. Probably one of my favorites is “situation in Nigeria seems pretty complex.” You should check that one out if you haven’t seen it.

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