We Want You! No, Not You, The One Behind You

Since our humble site began just a few weeks ago, we’ve been growing at an unprecedented rate. We are up to about six views a day, which we all agree is at or above the number of daily views of the New York Times website. So now we are recruiting a new writer. And buying new suits, of course.

However, securing the position will be difficult. We expect from our candidates the highest proficiency in the English language. Must right Good. We will also need someone who can speak Mandarin Chinese. Our investments in foreign markets are really taking off, so you will partly be responsible for mergers in the Asiatic* nations. Ivy League school credentials are not necessary, but genius-level thinking is a plus. Especially quiet and hidden genius. Basically we’d be open to hiring a janitor from MIT who solves math problems on the chalk boards at the end of the day.

We sometimes have rumbles with other news teams that really escalate quickly. You will need to have expert level mastery in hand grenades and pitchforks. Mensa international membership is a must,and experience running protection for a stable of prostitutes will really make you stand out.

Also, a deep working knowledge of every Will Ferrell and Judd Apatow movie.

*Editor’s note – is that racist? Like saying the word Mexican?


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