In Grantland’s roundup of its writers’ favorite songs of 2011, Rembert Browne described DJ Khaled’s I’m On One: ” this song is a nice reminder of what rap can be: just the rudest, most arrogant medium to ever exist.” Well put, Rembert. But even though the genre undoubtedly has its share of charlatanism, I find myself listening, some weeks almost exclusively, to its artists’ claims re: their sexual prowess and alcohol-imbibing abilities. Why? Probably because I relate to them on a deeply personal level.
Take Jay-Z, for example, and his line in Rihanna’s new song Talk That Talk: “I be trying to chill, bitches wanna fuck me.” This problem, which Jay-Z and I share, is an evolutionary paradox. In theory, we should want to fornicate with these bitches, whether we encounter them backstage at our concert or in line for a latte at Starbucks. It’s only natural for dudes, especially alpha-types like us, to try to spread our seed as far and wide as women will allow. Unfortunately for the women in question, sometimes we just want to chill at our VIP booth or office cubicle and give our endlessly in-demand manhood a much-needed rest.
I can also sympathize with Mike Jones, who reminisces about his past struggles at talking to girls:
“I remember back den, most of them hoes couldn’t stand me
But now them same hoes begging me to pull down they panties
A couple of ’em said I was cute but I was just too chubby
Same size a year later the same hoes wanna fuck me”
Not the “hoes couldn’t stand” me part, because I have never experienced any difficulties in the hoe-acquisitions department, but the subtle, underlying lament – that despite his improved sexual prospects, Mike Jones just doesn’t have enough time for these women.
This desire for “me time” is shared by Rick Ross as well. The Teflon Don weighs in:
“In the Benz AK ridin shotgun,
It’s a Benz cause you’re broke til you got one,
It ain’t nothing doing 100 in the Maybach
Throwin’ money out the roof motherfuck the brake pads”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found myself in this exact situation. Sometimes you just gotta cruise in the Benz with your gun, fittingly, riding shotgun.